Oleh: Much. Khoiri
TIBA-tiba Dulgemuk menjadi cerdas yang mengerikan! Apa yang Dulgemuk baca, lihat, dan dengar terekam lekat dalam pikirannya. Itu pun minta dikeluarkan. Jika tidak, ada semacam kekuatan-kekuatan yang memberontak dari dalam. Semua itu terjadi malam ini.
Dancing House, Gedung yang Meliuk di Ceko: Dok Pribadi
Dugaan Dulgemuk benar. Ini terkait tragedi Kanjuruhan: gas air mata. 131 korban meninggal bukan semata karena bentrok antar suporter. Penyebab awalnya justru semprotan gas air mata. Mereka panik akibat disemprot, lalu berdesakan, saling sikut, saling injak. Pintu 13 tertutup, maka di sana gerbang berpulang. Ternyata, gas air mata memang bisa picu gagal napas, kebutaan, kematian. Jadi, gas air mata berimbas tidak main-main—tapi malah untuk main-main.
Dampak gas air mata….Ada gadis korban selamat, mengaku, tiap kali tidur, teringat 3 gas air mata yang melayang di atas kepala. Itu traumatis sekali. Kini matanya masih memerah.
Ada gadis korban selamat, mengaku, tiap kali tidur, teringat 3 gas air mata yang melayang di atas kepala. Itu traumatis sekali. Ternyata sama, pemain arema juga perlu trauma healing, mereka shocked. Tak kalah shocknya adalah PSSI. Sesuai rekom Presiden, PSSI ambil sikap: Penundaan liga bakal lebih lama.
Dampak tragedi Kanjuruan masih mengular. Namun Dulgemuk hanya pukul-pukul kepala: Komisi yudisial awasi sidang Ferdy Sambo, memastikan majelis hakim belum butuh safe house. Sementara, kasus etik pemilu bakal disidangkan di kanwil di semua provisi. Mungkin akan seru. Masyarakat siap-siap saja menonton.
Sejenak Dulgemuk malah tersenyum. “Mahathir benar-benar hebat,” desisnya. Mahathir Mohamad, mantan perdana menteri Malaysia itu, memastikan diri ikut pemilu lagi. Padahal usianya menginjak 97 tahun. Hebatnya, dia masih segar bugar di usianya yang senja. Konon, selama ini dia suka olahraga berkuda dan memanah. Seperti yang dianjurkan Nabi. Alasan ikut pemilu: jika UMNO menang, benar-benar blaen: Najib Razak bisa bebas.
Pandemi telah mengubah mindset manusia sejagad. Terkungkung dua tahun adalah alienasi alamiah paling menyiksa. Manusia ingin bebas, memuntahkan dendam yang terpendam. Contohnya, Jepang cabut pembatasan kunjungan, dan turis pun berdatangan.
Itu tidak aneh. Pandemi telah mengubah mindset manusia sejagad. Terkungkung dua tahun adalah alienasi alamiah paling menyiksa. Manusia ingin bebas, memuntahkan dendam yang terpendam. Contohnya, Jepang cabut pembatasan kunjungan, dan turis pun berdatangan. Negeri Sakura jadi jujugan, seperti musim-musim sebelumnya. Boleh dibandingkan dengan Korea Selatan. Biar lihat rumah-rumah produksi drama-korea (drakor) yang digilai ibu-ibu dan remaja.
Ada lagi bisikan: Konon, tahun 2023, dunia akan resesi global, itu tentu kata mereka yang merasa bisa meramal masa depan. Dulgemuk hanya percaya apa yang harus dilakukan sebatas kemampuan manusia. Siapa suruh impor, sementara di dalam negeri itu ada, hanya malas mengolah saja—juga adanya cukong-cukong yang serakah meraup cuan. Sekarang dengar arahan Presiden: Stop impor aspal dua tahun lagi. Ini cerdas, antisipasi. Itu salah satu pintu menutup impor. Untuk hindari resesi, kurangi ketergantungan—termasuk impor gula.
“Tidak pergi ke luar negeri tidak apa-apa,” gumam Dulgemuk. Kabarnya, ada peraturan baru: masa berlaku paspor akan sepuluh tahun. Jadi masih lama, sekarang perlu menabung. Ingat pesan Gubernur: Menuju Jawa Timur sebagai provinsi desa wisata. Jatim bangkit, itu harus. Jatim bangkit lewat sektor UMKM: terus berkembang, terus berinovasi, makin berkontribusi. Ijen berstatus global geopark, Bromo punya jembatan gantung. Pada sisi lain, sinergi jadi kunci percepatan sertifikasi: kembangkan halal food melalui pembangunan “kawasan industri halal” (KIH). Sertifikasi halal jangan tertunda.
Dulgemuk gembira. Pemerintah Jatim beri bantuan permodalan dan bantalan sosial. Ini saatnya UMKM melek digital dan go global. Desa-desa perlu dijadikan poros-poros pembangunan ke arah perubahan. Untuk desa-desa wisata, misalnya, boleh pamerkan sajian camping ground, outbund, dan pameran keris. Untuk pesantren, berkembang lewat kopi dan produk pertanian organik. Ada cerita sukses, dari Mojokerto, pengusaha briket desa Mlirip yang tembus pasar Eropa: Raup untung miliaran rupiah setelah ditempa kerugian.
Dulgemuk kembali tersenyum: Libur nasional dan cuti bersama 24 hari. Hari-hari raya agama besar resmi diliburkan. Biar adil untuk semuanya.
Dulgemuk kembali tersenyum: Libur nasional dan cuti bersama 24 hari. Hari-hari raya agama besar resmi diliburkan. Biar adil untuk semuanya. Biar seperti harapan masyarakat Magetan atas kesejahteraan berkat aneka event untuk memeriahkan peringatan HUT. Itu sama kalau kegiatan yang digelar di tingkat RT, yang penting kesejahteraan, tak usah bicara politik. Politik itu urusan penggede-penggede sana.
Dulgemuk mengajak untuk menghadapi kenyataan, sebab hidup bukan ada di dalam novel, drama atau puisi—apalagi sinetron. Ini buktinya: Tarif PDAM untuk Surabaya naik November nanti. Pasar Turi juga perlu diramaikan, bisa libatkan komunitas, dan pihak lain. Beri penghargaan pada para sastrawan: Balai Bahasa Jatim memberi anugerah Sutasoma! Jangan biarkan seperti ini: Tak punya sanggar, tarian tradisional manfaatkan lapangan bulu tangkis. Hal ini, kata Bang Haji Rhoma Irama, sungguh “Terlalu…”
Dulgemuk mengajak untuk menghadapi kenyataan, sebab hidup bukan ada di dalam novel, drama atau puisi—apalagi sinetron. Ini buktinya: Tarif PDAM untuk Surabaya naik November nanti.
Ini juga kenyataan yang wajib dihadapi: 957 ribu kali hacker (peretas) berupaya serang layanan online Pemkot. Wali kota minta Diskominfo lindungi data penduduk. Jangan sampai bocor, dalam bentuk malware, code injection, permission access control, SQL injection, informational disclosure. Jika sampai bocor, bahaya: Akan ada kegaduhan dan merosotnya kepercayaan publik.
Dulgemuk sudah menguap. Mau minum kopi “nasgitel” (panas legi kenthel), dia tidak berani. Dia menyitir Lalilatul Muniroh, M.Kes yang memberi warning: “Konsumsi gula sebaiknya dibatasi 10 persen dari jumlah kalori yang dibutuhkan oleh tubuh. Rata-rata seorang membutuhkan asupan baik dari minuman maupun makanan sebanyak 50 gram atau setara dengan 4-5 sendok makan.” Menyimak itu, Dulgemuk hanya dehem-dehem.[]
Kabede, 13 Oktober 2022
Mohon tanggapan Anda di kolom komentar. Semoga hidup makin berkah.
BACA JUGA:
Hahaha… Dul Gemuk mentas lagi. Kemana aja selama in? Sekali mentas banyak benar celotehnya. Ikuti perkembangan terus ya… ke Makassar yuuuks , kopi arabika Toradja terkenal kenthelnya.💪💪💪.
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Tawaran yang bagus utk ke Makassar. Dulgemuk msh keliling ke berbagai penjuru
Penasaran siapa sebenarnya Dulgemuk itu pa dosen?
Tokoh rekaan, Pak Pardi. Ada sebuah komunitas yg dikomandani oleh Dulgemuk
Jika Dulgemuk join dengan Iwan fals bisa klop dan seruu
Kira-kira begitu ya, bu guru. perlu pendekatan ini
Alhamdulillah , saya bisa membaca tulisan bapak, sungguh luar biasa, semoga Alloh senantiasa memberikan
Kesehatan, panjang umur, dan selalu dalam kemanjaan-Nya dalam memperjuangkan bangsa lewat tulisan- tulisan ini
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